Hands Up: It’s a Stitch Up

Hands Up: Gillard Faces Armageddon, Apocalypse The Australian

Denis Shamandham

The Gillard government is under intense pressure tonight after (insert name of industry lobby group here‘ – ed) released a damning survey which highlights the cost to consumers (‘unspecified, check tomorrow and multiply by four’- ed) of its contentious carbon tax.

The release of the survey from the high-profile something-or-other association comes amid a clash in Labor ranks between one-faction-and-another and is bound to fuel speculation (‘can we drag a backbencher out of the pub for an off-record quote?- ed) of an imminent challenge to Gillard’s shaky leadership.

“Our economy is on the ropes and this is the killer punch,” said Dig-it-Out-of-the-Ground-and-Ship-to-China Industry Association president Chip Chunkworth. “Now the government is pushing us into our own graves (‘mixed metaphor, but let it go, he’s a miner’ – ed) and that’s got to be bad for working people.”

The angry (‘bitter?’; ‘furious?’; ‘seething?’ – come on man, I’m asking for adjectives here – ed) industry response to the carbon tax inquiry is likely to cement (“cement!” “. Yes! send a note to the cartoonist to draw Gillard with cement shoes being dumped into the harbour by Rudd) recent unrelenting trend in opinion polls away from a government that is losing the faith of even its most rusted-on supporters (‘rusted’ – iron ore, God I’m good’ -ed).

Earlier today, the respected Newspoll (‘It better be bloody respected, do you know how much we pay these people to stitch things up for us?’ – ed) showed increasing support for Opposition Leader Tony Abbott, whose straight talk is resonating with voters.

“Tony understands the needs of working people,” said Jadyn, a 23-year-old welding contractor from Penrith (‘Where’s the second name?’ – ed: –  ‘Lib Party guy says he will phone through tomorrow’ – Denis). “Straight talk, no fuss and plugged into the mortgage belt.” (‘Stock photo of tradie with tool belt’ -ed)

The Abbott ascendancy (‘ascendancy’ – I LIKE it! call The Weekend magazine and arrange a photo shoot of Abbot rock climbing’ – ed) comes amid declining fortunes for a Labor Party which even its truest believers is starting to doubt (‘insert photo of Faulkner with damning quote from headland speech’ and call Latham for an op-ed’ – ed).

(Ed: ‘Put some stuff here from RBA speech along lines of’): The mortgage belt is losing faith in a Labor government whose reckless spending (‘cut and paste BER, pink batts standard pars’) has fuelled six consecutive increases in interest rates and looks set to spark a seventh after the next CPI figures in late July. (‘Plot Aussie rates against US and Japan; yes, I know they’re in recession, but f**k me, homes are cheap over there’ – ed)

“The economy is strong and that means” that we have lost control of the economy, said ANZ chief economist Paul Eslakeland. (‘Is that partial quote OK? He said something like ‘that means we need to moderate domestic demand’, but no-one understands that gobbledygook’ – Denis. ‘Do I look like I care? -ed).

The plight of the mortgage battlers provides a stark contrast to the relaxed demeanour of Prime Minister Gillard and her live-in, de-facto, fellow atheist partner Tim Mathieson living in their godless relationship (‘Steady on, Dennis. We’re getting Tony to do a homage to BA Santamaria this weekend anyway, so that should keep  your rosary-fiddling mates happy‘ – ed)

The Prime Minister’s clear desperation in courting 60 Minutes appears to presage her calling an election this weekend that polls suggest she would lose easily, providing greater certainty for business at a time of greater uncertainty (‘where’s the unprecedented?’ -ed)