Not the Hoi Polloi

OK, it’s not Newspoll or AC Nielsen or Essential….it’s not even a Morgan poll. But the Failed Estate is proud to unveil results of its first ever readers’ survey. We polled your attitudes on party politics, economics, refugees, climate change and the media. Here are the (dubious) results.

On political leanings, five per cent of our respondents characterised themselves as former bleeding hearts turned grumpy conservatives. This is a category your host can identify with, except he is so old he has gone full circle from wet liberal to flinty conservative and back again – left, right, left.

A growing clique, seven per cent, identify as funky young neo-libertarians with cool glasses, skinny suits, lots of hair product and a distaste for the nanny state (at least until their cars are stolen or they have kids and the doctor’s office doesn’t bulk bill). A bigger group, 16 per cent view, themselves as angry anarchists (who scream at the neighbours’ kids to get off their newly mown front laws). Another 11 per cent confess to being suburban Greens with air conditioning, SUVs and a peculiar love of Andre Rieu and pan pipes. But the vast majority, 59 per cent, feel politically conflicted. (You’ll notice these numbers do not add up to 100%, but I told you it wasn’t Newspoll).

In terms of the carbon price, two per cent of our readers see the proposed tax as an attempt by Godless Greens to set up One World Government (or OMG, it’s OWG). Another three per cent favour the idea that a carbon price is a nefarious attempt by grant-seeking scientists to get money to upgrade their 1995 Camrys. Another five per cent think action on carbon is a plot by communists to destroy capitalism from within, by, err, bowing to market forces. Four per cent hark back vaguely to high school science lessons on photosynthesis and conclude carbon must be good. The rest, 83 per cent, think it’s all just hopeless and the way the debate’s going, the world won’t be worth living in anyway. (Your host is with the latter group and suggests starting building the spaceship now.)

On asylum seekers, three per cent of sample (who clearly didn”t watch the SBS series) think boat people should be sent to some godforsaken hellhole (with the exclusion, of course, of Penrith). Twelve per cent favoured punishing with extreme prejudice the people smugglers (because that absolves them from having to think about what to do with the refugees). A relatively kindly group of 20 per cent liked the idea of billeting out the boat people in family homes (while stressing there’s no room at their place because they’re putting in a pool). Another 14 per cent thought the line in the national anthem about boundless plains to share was planted there by green elitists. But the biggest proportion, 50 per cent, think it’s just too depressing and want to be on the first boat out. (Maybe this group could hitch a ride with the climate change believers on the spaceship?)

In terms of the economy, two per cent of respondents say interest rates will always be lower and ice cream will always taste nicer under the Liberals, which frankly just makes complete and utter sense. Another two per cent say the Nationals’ devotion to free markets, 4WD subsidies, rural relief packages and cheap finance make them the best economic managers of all. For this group, the invisible hand is fine (as long as it’s protected by a pair of milking gloves). The Greens are well represented, with 11 per cent saying Bob Brown’s crew are the only ones who understand that economic management is best left to the rainbow serpent. Only seven per cent of our sample put their faith in Labor, citing its ability to ensure everyone sets the alarm for 4am to go and work in joyless factory jobs – representing the New Socialist Utopia (NSU). But a massive 73 per cent say the economy is the pimple on the arse of a flea on a cork floating on a seething ocean and it doesn’t matter who’s in power in Canberra because we’re stuffed (presumably these are our Greek readers).

Finally, on my favourite subject, the media, just one per cent of readers identify with The Australian’s audience – gouty, late-middle-aged Tories who feel their comfortable wood-panelled worlds are under attack  from bicycle-riding, body-pierced, vegans. Nine per cent of you like the ABC, because it reports whatever The Australian says but with a plummier accent and without Janet Albrechtson. Ten per cent of the sample say their favoured media is the style guide for baristas, loft buyers and Brian Eno devotees – otherwise known as the SMAGE. Absolutely no-one admitted to being fans of the Hun-Tele working-man tabloids, presumably because our effete elite readership can’t find a Herald Sun app on their Ipads.  Predictably, most of you are digital natives – 77 per cent get your media from RSS readers, Google alerts and a bunch of blogs.

So my focus group are politically conflicted, highly networked, cosmopolitan globalists in favour of climate change action and embarrassed at our treatment of refugees. Damned elites in other words. This blog is never going to rate.